I am writing this letter to inform you that I am ending our relationship permanently. I have devoted seven years of my life to being a faithful and supportive partner, yet I have nothing to show for it. These past two weeks have been extremely challenging. Today, your boss contacted me to reveal that you resigned from your job, which was the final straw for me. Last week, I made an effort to surprise you with a new haircut, prepared your favorite meal, and even wore new silk boxers, but you didn’t notice any of it. You consumed your meal in just two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching your soap operas. You no longer express your love for me, and there is a lack of intimacy or any connection between us as husband and wife. Either you are being unfaithful or you no longer love me; whatever the situation may be, I have decided to leave.
Yours sincerely,
Your Former Spouse
P.S. Please refrain from attempting to locate me. Your sibling and I are relocating together to West Virginia! I wish you a wonderful life ahead!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Receiving your letter has truly been the highlight of my day. It is indeed accurate that we have been married for seven years, although your behavior has been far from that of a good spouse. I find solace in watching my soap operas as they serve as a distraction from your incessant complaining and nagging. Unfortunately, it seems that doesn’t suffice. I did notice when you had a haircut last week, but the first thought that crossed my mind was, “You look quite feminine!” Following my mother’s teachings of not saying anything if one cannot speak kindly, I chose to remain silent. As for cooking my favorite meal, you must have mistaken me for MY SISTER, as I stopped eating pork seven years ago. Regarding the new silk boxers you purchased, I turned away when I noticed the price tag of $49.99 still attached, secretly hoping it was a mere coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me earlier that morning. Despite all of this, I still loved you and believed that we could resolve our issues. Consequently, when I won a 10-million-dollar lottery jackpot, I quit my job and purchased two tickets to Jamaica for us. However, upon returning home, I discovered that you had vanished. I suppose everything happens for a reason. I genuinely wish for you to find the fulfilling life you always desired. My lawyer assures me that the content of your letter ensures you won’t receive a penny from me. Take care.
Sincerely,
Your Former Spouse, Abundantly Wealthy and Liberated!
P.S. I’m not sure if I ever mentioned this, but my sister Carla was originally born as Carl. I hope that isn’t an issue for you.