“I’m Megan, a 33-year-old living in a quiet town called Maplewood with my husband, Tom, who’s 35. We’ve been married for six years, and lately, our relationship has hit a rough patch due to his mom, Diane,” she explained to us.
Sometimes love isn’t enough. I feel like there are three of us in this marriage.
Diane has always been involved in our lives, which is nice, but it’s started feeling suffocating. Every decision, big or small, seems to require her input. The breaking point was when we were planning our anniversary trip, and Diane insisted we attend a family gathering instead, leaving no room for our celebration.
Feeling frustrated, I talked to Tom about setting boundaries, about us making decisions as a couple. Tom hesitated, torn between me and his mom. That’s when I said, “It’s either me or your mom.” The room got heavy with silence, and I could see the struggle on Tom’s face.
Now, I’m in a tough spot.
The ultimatum is hanging there, making our home tense. I love Tom, but I also want a marriage where our choices are ours. Talking to friends brought mixed advice. Some say it’s a fair boundary, while others warn of the risks of ultimatums.
So here I am, torn between my love for Tom and the need for a marriage where we call the shots. Has anyone gone through this? How did you handle it? I’m looking for advice on whether to push for change or, in a worst-case scenario, consider ending a marriage over a mother-in-law’s influence.
Response from Bright Side.
Hey Megan! Thanks for getting in touch with us! We know it’s tough for you, and here’s what we suggest:
- Be Specific About Boundaries: Clearly define the boundaries you’d like to set with Diane. Whether it’s decision-making, family events, or personal space, providing specific examples can help Tom better understand your needs.
- Seek Couple’s Counseling: Consider attending couple’s counseling to navigate these issues together. A professional can offer guidance on communication, boundary-setting, and resolving conflicts in a constructive manner.
- Encourage Tom to Express His Feelings: Create a safe space for Tom to share his feelings and concerns. Understand his perspective and try to find common ground. It’s important to work as a team to strengthen your relationship.
- Find Compromises: Work together to find compromises that respect both your needs and Tom’s relationship with his mom. Finding a middle ground may involve adjusting expectations on both sides to create a healthier balance.
- Build a Support System: Surround yourself with friends or family who can provide support and perspective. Having a strong support system can help you navigate challenging times and make informed decisions about your relationship.
- Communicate Openly With Tom: Initiate an open and honest conversation with Tom about your feelings and concerns. Clearly express why you feel suffocated and the importance of establishing boundaries for your marriage.