Colin Kaepernick isn’t doing very well. In the past year, he was denied by all 32 NFL teams, dropped by Nike, and fired from his first coaching job at a high school in Minnesota.
But it gets worse. The former quarterback has reportedly lost everything he once had and can’t find any kind of job or endorsement. Things are so dire that he’s “staying with friends.”
“He’s been on my couch for months,” said former Forty-Niners Left Tackle Joe Barron, “I wouldn’t mind so much if he didn’t watch so much Rick and Morty. It’s just so dumb.”
Kaepernick also has issues with gluttony and has gained a lot of weight — with some help. “There’s a girl at Burger King that loves him,” said Barron, “So she just gives him whatever she wants and pays for it herself.”
Barron isn’t the only teammate Kaepernick has been freeloading from, either. While the others have asked that we don’t include their names in our fiction, they were very outspoken about his bad habits.
“My wife is tired of him leaving the toilet seat up and forgetting to lock the patio door. He spends more time staring off into space while smoking weed than anyone I know.” Another pal said, “He keeps taking my weed because he says the patio he has access to is boring without it.”
Just imagine, patriots. This all started because he felt the need to disrespect the troops. Somehow. God Bless America.