When this stepdad told his stepdaughter to ask her real father for money, it ignited a complex emotional landscape within their blended family. The stepdad, feeling the financial strain, believed it was a practical solution, but the request touched on sensitive issues of loyalty, responsibility, and identity for the stepdaughter.
The dad explained why he did it.
I married my wife Elise 12 years ago. She has a 16-year-old daughter (Ana) from her previous relationship and we have a 7-year-old son as well.
From pretty much the beginning of our relationship, Ana and I have never gotten along. I don’t know how to emphasize that it is NOT because of a lack of trying. She just does not like me. When she was young she was just scared of me and “afraid I’d tear their family apart”. Nowadays it’s more of a neutral dislike rather than strong antipathy so I suppose that’s progress.
Elise is a stay-at-home mother, so she relies on me for income. As a result, I pay for everything for Ana. Food. Clothes. Volleyball fees. Field trips. I take an interest in her hobbies. I go to her games. I’m not saying I’m perfect but I try my hardest to be the step-father I can.
But it’s so... hard. Always giving me curt 1-word responses. Always have to have an attitude. She does things to get a rise out of me. Typical rebellious stuff. But I always let her know I love her and I’m there for her in hopes of her “teenager” phase past.
The opposite is true for her biological father. She adores him. Can’t tell you why. He never goes to her games, and always makes excuses for why he doesn’t want to see her. He forgot her birthday last month and she cried herself to sleep.
Well anyway, on Friday, I came to her room to check her phone and read her messages (not a permanent thing, but she’s been caught sneaking out twice in the last month so this is her punishment). I ask for the phone, she says “No, I’m tired of you checking my stuff, leave me alone”.
I tell her I’m not asking again and she goes “You’re not my real dad. You never have been. Stop acting like you can tell me what to do” before getting up and slamming the door. Like I said, guys. I’m tired. Tired of the blatant disrespect. Of being the verbal punching bag while still providing more for her than anyone else in her family.
We haven’t talked since until this morning during breakfast. She asked if I could pay for her plane tickets so she could see her boyfriend cross-state. Like I said, her mom doesn’t work so I normally would be the one to cough up the money. Not this time. I responded, “Go ask your real dad”. I could tell she was hurt. Tears swelled up from her face and she excused herself from the table.
My wife took me aside later and said my comment was extremely disrespectful. I said if anything’s disrespectful, it’s her treating me like a doormat and a credit card, and I will no longer tolerate this treatment in my house. I told her we don’t have to be friends, but if she can’t at least be cordial to me or respect my position as an authority figure, she can find someone else to pay for her non-essentials.
People thought it was a difficult situation.
- I just want to give a slightly different perspective. When my parents divorced, I “adored Dad” and was mad at Mom. I did not dare be angry at my dad. He might go away and I never see him again. I trusted my mom enough to dare to be angry. I knew she would not abandon me. But I agree that the stepdaughter needs to be respectful. But she might like you more than you think. Alx101598 / Reddit
- Maybe your daughter can have a first-hand look at how much words can hurt. I think you should go to her, apologize (never mind the fact she doesn’t deserve it. You’re the adult, be the bigger person), and set firm, fair, and strict rules about behavior going forward.
Tell her what you told us; that you don’t have to be friends, but you need her to respect your authority and at least be cordial to each other. Maybe ask her why she doesn’t like you. Ask if there’s anything you can do to support her better. And most importantly, remind her that you love her and will be there for her. Unknown user / Reddit - Dude, you’ve been her father figure for 12 years now. 12 years. That’s over 50% of her life. Yeah, maybe she has her issues about her real father not being about, can you blame her? It’s an awful thing and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
The incident you described...dude you’re reading through a 16-year-old’s phone. What do you expect? You’re not giving her any privacy, I’d be surprised if a 16-year-old didn’t lash out like that. Talk to her, voice your concerns, and be real about it, don’t pull the “I keep food on the table you listen to me”. Ozzytudor / Reddit - Here is what I know about teenage girls, both working with them and having a teenage stepdaughter and by once being one myself. She IS treating you like her real dad. The behavior, the disrespect, the insistence that you get out of her life but leave your wallet behind. It is normal behavior for teenagers and their fathers.
Her so-called real dad, she knows he is a poor bet. That’s why he gets the best of her. She HAS to give him her best because he won’t stick around otherwise. You get everything bad because actually, she trusts you. She sees you as The Father who can handle everything, her bio dad is just Uncle Daddy.
You can fix this, you explain to her that you love her, that she is your daughter, but you’re tired of feeling like an ATM. Lay some guilt on. Apologize, and also expect an apology and improvement in behavior. AgingLolita / Reddit
I’m pregnant, and my husband is insisting that his parents be in the delivery room, turning what should be a private, intimate moment into a source of stress and anxiety. As the due date approaches, this escalating conflict is pushing me to the brink. Click to read about the emotional turmoil and difficult choices this woman is facing as she prepares for childbirth amidst this familial tug-of-war.