Betty is a 72-year-old widow, mother, and grandmother who’s recently, reached out to the internet for advice. She explains that she’s been saving to take a cruise with her sister but her grandson has gotten ill and will need hospital treatments. As a result, her son asked for her savings, and when she refused things got ugly.
Betty Doesn’t Want to Sacrifice
Betty told her son, she’s getting older and wants to share a fun vacation cruise with her sister. However, his reaction was unsurprisingly, not pleased. Instead, he called her a horrible mom and told her she was never going to see her grandson again. She’s saved for this trip and wants to enjoy what time she has left. However, her son, likely in a desperate state to save his son, doesn’t feel she’s doing her job as his mother to help him save his son. Betty began feeling guilty and asked BrightSide if she was being “selfish?”
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Most Think She Should Go
Betty’s question garnered more than 30 comments, some with validating points. Meanwhile, others weren’t sure about her decision and felt they would handle it differently. “Your grandson is your blood. If I were, I would sacrifice my pleasure for the life of [my] precious grandson.” One user commented while another sided with Betty. “There are still limitations. It’s like owning an animal. If you can’t afford to raise your child, then don’t breed!” they wrote in response.
Commenters’ Advice
This is senior abuse and manipulation! The law would be on your side! It’s called the “Bank of Mom.” I don’t think you’re wrong to go on a cruise, and your son’s behavior is inexcusable. He obviously feels “entitled.” Another wrote, agreeing with the grandmother’s decision. “Enjoy your trip. There is insurance, hardship loans, hospital assistance, Medicaid, etc. I would be ashamed to ask my mother, who has been saving for years, to sacrifice her trip.” Added a fourth person.
Others noted that the family most likely has health coverage that should help cut costs.
Grandparents Can Establish Boundaries
However, grandparents and grandchildren have an undeniably special bond, so it would likely be difficult for any grandparent to refuse to help or establish those boundaries. In most cases, parents have ample advice regarding establishing boundaries for grandparents with their children. Yet, little is available to help grandparents, who undeniably love their grandchildren but also deserve to enjoy their lives.
Boundaries Don’t Have to Hurt
Fortunately, approaching boundaries is similar in that clear and open communication is always the best route. It’s important to be firm but not harsh and willing to compromise in some areas. Here are a few examples of ways to approach telling your adult children or grandchildren no, hopefully without them feeling abandoned or let down by you, while you’re still free to live as you see fit.
Examples of Helpful Statements
Establish a firm “no” while providing support in difficult times by saying:
- I’ve been looking forward to this trip, so I won’t give you my savings, but I’ll help in other ways if possible. (Perhaps offering free babysitting so mom and dad have more time to figure out their finances would be helpful and not too disruptive to your life. Or cooking a few meals for them to keep in the freezer when they’re too drained to cook.)
- I don’t want to give up this exciting opportunity for my sister and me, but I’m happy to help you raise funds or establish a plan to do so.
- I love you and (grandchild’s name) more than anything, but I also have to care for myself. This trip is such a great opportunity to spend time with my sister and relax from the stresses of life.
- This is a difficult spot to be in because I don’t want (grandchild’s name) to suffer, but it’s your responsibility to provide for your family. I did that when I raised you, but I’ll be a sense of emotional support because I know it’s difficult to feel powerless regarding the well-being of your child.
Compassionately Seeing the Other Perspective
Regardless of how you handle the situation, being firm but supportive is important. After all, you’re still a loving family, and people must make occasional compromises for those they love. While money would almost certainly fix her son’s problem, it’s not what caused his outburst. He’s likely scared, hopeless, powerless, and any other unbearable feeling you can imagine as a parent. As such, he’s lashing out and blaming her because he believes she can fix the problem but won’t. Instead, the family should be coming together in support during such a trying time.
Firm but Gentle and Supportive
Although it’s a helpful gesture if Betty decides to contribute, her son isn’t entitled to the money she worked hard for. Nor should he expect that. Yet, many parents can likely understand where Betty’s son is coming from because most parents would do anything for their children, and sometimes that means logic and reasoning can go out the window. Regardless, every person has a right to make decisions regarding their lives, even if that doesn’t always sit well with others and nearly everyone sided with Betty on this. After all, you only once, and in the grand scheme of things, it’s only for a short time. As such, she, (and everyone), deserves to find some enjoyment and adventure in life.