Bud Light was the last-place seller among major American lagers this holiday weekend, for the first time in the brand’s history. Typically, it comes in first by a wide margin.
“To be beaten by Coors and Miller on the weekend the company does the most business of the year is a crushing blow,” said industry expert Joe Barron, “There may not be a Bud Light next year.”
To make matters worse, the holiday weekend extended all the way through Tuesday this year, and already the numbers are clear. “We usually look at the three days through Monday on Tuesday,” said Barron, “This year it will only get worse.”
If the projections are correct, this will also be the first year Bud Light fails to qualify for an invite to the largest Oktoberfest in the country, which takes place every September in St. Sebastianston, Minnesota. “That will end them,” said Barron.
ALLOD correspondent Skip Tetheludah caught up with Bud Light’s new marketing director, Art Tubolls, and asked him a couple of tough questions.
“We’re probably looking at a bad weekend,” he admitted, “but not that bad. There’s no freaking way Miller Lite beats anyone.” Sandy Batt, the resident expert on domestic beers, agreed that it would be sad, no matter how delighted she’d be personally.
“I love it,” she said, “the foam is so strong you can almost snort it.” Our medical and legal divisions both caution strongly against the snorting of Miller Lite. God Bless America.